just spent half an hour reading my blogspot archives.

Dude, I really know how to complain about uni and schoolwork. And I complain about myself not studying constantly. I guess I’m doing the same now, but maybe I blog about it less… kind of.

I think I write more ‘contemplative’ blog posts now than I used to. Am I just growing older? Or is life getting more complicated? Or am I just more willing to share now than I used to. Or maybe I used to have people to speak to about things and nowadays I find it so hard to talk to people because we all constantly judge each other?

Oh well.

Growth and Evolution. It happens.

Ever since I was a child I was a fence-sitter. I never really took sides, unless I know for a fact that someone really made a mistake. Whether they are my best friend or my enemy, if they’re wrong, they’re wrong. I guess being the middle child played a part in shaping who I am today.

Anyway, I had some interesting conversations today. It was nice to finally have everything laid out and explained, and definitely nice to hear both sides of the story.

That being said, I’m trying my best to not make any judgments or take sides. I still believe that misunderstandings can cause lots of trouble. Sometimes it’s best to sit and talk it out. But it’s easier said than done.

It’s quite funny how sometimes we take things onto ourselves when it’s got nothing to do with us. I guess at times we have our insecurities. Having a guilty conscience changes the way we respond to things and in turn changes others perspective on us. Maybe sometimes the best thing to do is let things sort itself out over time. Not everyone can handle a confrontational approach.

I’m not sure how much sense my entry made today. It’s kind of all over the place. But sometimes I feel that all the drama that goes on between friends are completely unnecessary and quite silly. Then again I am sort of part of it all, and if I’m not doing anything to change it, why should others?

Why so chiong hei!?? If I were a doctor I wouldn’t like receiving a letter like that. Do pharmacists really write up such long reviews to their patient’s doctors??

I really don’t feel like writing that on tuesday morning. lazy lazy lazy me.

I’m still kind of like… whatever.

Now I fear I sound like C’s housemate. =.=”

Aniwae. I think I need help.

Help in any form~

I need help from someone who can maybe stop me from eating so much junk. Help me to figure out what exactly I’m doing now because I really don’t know. Help me find some sort of motivation to study like I used to. Help me make better use of my 24 hours in a day. Help me find out who to trust and who not to. Help me find real friends. Help me keep real friends. Help me improve my social skills etc etc etc.

There’s so much I need help with because at the moment I’m feeling like a lost case.

Do you think I need a psychologist?

———–

Someone shoot me. I’ve just spent the last 15 mins or so browsing beyondblue.com

=.=

But you know what? There’s a page on ‘ways of managing stress’ and ‘how to deal with a bad day’. And strangely enough, I can literally read through the page and just tick off points that I’ve been trying to do.

- Getting enough sleep *tick* (well, I try. Especially on weekends)
- Keeping Active *tick* (Again, I try. I walk a lot in the city, especially to chinatown. I try to continue jogging. and I work. That’s one of the main reasons why I’m staying at work. Because it keeps me constantly on my feet)
- Reducing alcohol and other drugs *tick* (well, Im not a big drinker in the first place. And I don’t take drugs!)
- Catch up with friends *tick* (been doing that a lot. I go out of the way to find excuses to stay out with people I know~ just because I don’t want to go home)
-Plan to do at least one enjoyable activity every day (I’m sure playing the guitar is counted. Oh, did I mention in the past couple of weeks I actually took out my clarinet and gave that a go too? I printed off some new music a while ago. )

I’m doing everything BUT things that I’m SUPPOSED to do, and things that I NEED to do. Like… housework, and study.

so once again- shoot me!

Why do I always feel like I’m crashing someone’s party?

I mean, not exactly ‘party’ but in general, little groups of friends. I’ve probably written about this before numerous times, but year after year, nothing ever changes.

Why is it that I never really have my own little group that other people can ‘crash’ into? I mean, sure sometimes I seem like I’m spending more time with certain people than I do with others, and for a little while I even convinced myself that that is my group. (I guess i did kind of have a ‘group’. But usually a group would consist of at least 3 people… so what I had didn’t really qualify to be classified as ‘a group’) But then some day comes along when I really need the company, and that’s when I realize there’s no one I can really call up to just hang with while waiting for something to happen. Why? Because the people in ‘my group’ apparently have some other more important group to be with.

The worst is when there’s something to look forward to, and we’ve all been looking forward to it and talking about it, and when the time actually comes, I’m stuck sitting at home, waiting and waiting and waiting for someone to give me a call to tell me when they’re heading out.

It’s happened over and over again, you’d think I’d learn and I’d anticipate it to happen again, but somehow I always manage to convince myself that my day would be awesome, because I have awesome friends.

I guess I never learn.

Strangely enough though, when they finally decide that I’m worthy of their time, I happily go along and always have the best time. And then I wonder why I was ever doubtful of their friendship.

It’s really quite ridiculous. A normal human being shouldn’t have to experience such extreme ups and downs. It’s like a bipolar mental disorder, except with an external trigger…

Sometimes Singapore radio has some very interesting stuff.

So, I was on the MRT in Singapore one day, listening to the radio on my way home… when a conversation between a couple of DJ’s caught my attention. They were talking about relationships and this is what She said:

“Getting guys is like fishing. If you pull too hard too early, the fish will swim away. That’s why I’m single. I suck at fishing.”

You know what? I think she’s right. Those words could have come directly out of my own mouth. I mean, just earlier that day I was talking to Jo (I was coming back from meeting her) about fishing for big fish…

Big fish? Big dreams… I realised one unfortunate thing. I’m even further behind than I thought.

I don’t even have fishing gear.

Maybe I was a bit of a party crasher today.

Especially when it involves new people, it’s maybe not right and might leave a bad first impression.

Keep in mind: first impressions count, but getting to know someone counts even more. When you finally know what they’re like, first impressions slowly fade away.

- Sometimes when you’re walking alone, when you think into the past of certain people and certain things you did you just smile to yourself. (strangers walking towards you think you’re insane or you’re very friendly…) Those little moments make me feel rather nostalgic…

- Adelaide is invaded by gigantic pink-tutu-wearing astronauts.

- How many people did we have in class of 2006 UWCSEA? I asked stitch and ritz this not too long ago but I’ve forgotten…

- I worked a breakfast shift today. The first time since a year ago during Clipsal. Why is it everytime I’m on a breakfast shift we seem to be short of staff? Today there was me alone serving in front counter, another girl alone in the burger room, and then our manager running in and out helping where he can. And I didnt know how breakfast is supposed to work. I gave out lots of wrong sized drinks, and probably messed up giving the right number of hash browns and all that. =.=” Didn’t get my break until 2pm so all I ate from the time I woke up at 8:30am was a slice of bread and some water. Hungry as hell.

- I hate how I come up with something witty to say in reply only about 2 hours after someone’s said something to me.

- A couple of nights ago I woke up coughing and feeling like I’ve been suffocating. Heart beating like mad, I took a few deep breaths and was surprised to discover there was nothing wrong with my breathing. So what exactly went wrong there? Sleep apnoea? I believe I have a mild case of insomnia though… every night I would wake up and sit up straight, then readjust my blanket or something, and then go back to sleep feeling a lot more comfortable. But before you know it the alarm has gone off and I need to wake up again. Most of the time, the second half of my sleep will be filled with strange dreams that I wake up feeling confused about, then forgotten after I’ve taken my shower.

- I hate forgetting something interesting I wanted to write here.

… because I have a cold.

And it sucks!!

My meals were bland. I couldn’t smell my shampoo. I couldn’t smell mum’s cooking… (we were making pineapple jam for tarts we’re going to make this weekend hopefully!) and I couldn’t smell a thing. I’m so glad on a normal day I have a pretty good sense of smell. If not I won’t be able to enjoy my food and to be able to enjoy good food is a blessing.

But seriously, if I can’t smell anything, then if I have really bad BO or farted or burped… I wouldn’t know if it stinks.

LOL! Ok so maybe not so serious after all

Don’t know why such disgusting thoughts just came to my head…

Airneewaee! Enough of my thoughts on that.

Have a good weekend.

Not so sure how happy your new year begun… But my first 2 hours weren’t so bad I guess.

It started off with a 5 mins display of fireworks from the nearby Sembawang celebrations. We drove there, parked the car just in time for the fireworks to start, stepped out of the car to watch, and 5 mins later we were driving home. Trust my dad to make it just in the nick of time… (well, sometimes we’re late but thankfully not today) Now I’m sitting here in front of my computer with Zilzie on my lap, a blister on my right wrist (i burnt myself with hot oil this afternoon!), stomach cramps (miss p decided to come last night), feeling slightly woozy from the too-strong-but-quite-yummy-cocktail my dad whipped up about an hour ago, and listening to Fireflies while typing my first entry of the year 2010.

I have a good feeling about this year. After all, 10 is my lucky number. Well, it’s not really… it’s just my favorite number because of a special reason.

After all that I’ve gone through last year; mainly frustration from so many things, I don’t even know where to begin… This year should be a bit more of a breeze. Right?

I mean, how difficult can it be? Survive 2 placements out of town, finish off the last few chapters of Applied Pharmacotherapeutics (Which I’ve so far managed to Pass above a P2 :P) , stick in a couple of random courses about management and nutrition or something… And guess what? that’s going to be ALL I have to worry about!

No MySA committee to chase after, no campus to represent, no extra hours in a pharmacy, no hiding from stalkers…

Life will be good.

Or so it seems for now. *Fingers crossed.*

I never really made new year resolutions for fear of not being able to stick with it. Also I tend to forget them by the end of the year. It’s always something silly like, lose weight, eat healthily, exercise more, study harder… This year though, I think I’ll have a resolution. I had it typed out here a while ago, but I’ve decided to keep it to myself. If you’re skillful enough you may be able to find it somewhere in the cybernet though.

Anyway, to everyone- hope 2010 brings you lots of joy and happiness and accomplishments and love and everything good and nice

Time for bed. Goodnight.